I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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