yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
