How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
