I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
