quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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