Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Barsexuality is the new black.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
