Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
