By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
