you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Hippo gnu deer
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
