My room smells like vodka and shame
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
