I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
