i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
