If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
