we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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