If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
they're like a gay fantastic four
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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