just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
