My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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