I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
