The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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