Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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