So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
