she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
