I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
