ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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