My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i believe in u and ur pee
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
