mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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