I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
