I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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