remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
