im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
