You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
