Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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