the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
