brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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