How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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