My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
