please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize