I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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