I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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