Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
