You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
