i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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