we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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