It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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