Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
