did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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