Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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