I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I cut my penus on the lid.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
