i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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