just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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