Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
