Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
