turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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