I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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