I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
