Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
