One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
