is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
