I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
