I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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