I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
