a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
