Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
