Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
